Category Archives: pregnancy

Having Children: 50 Reasons Not To!

Most pregnancies don’t look like this…. Or not for very long.
My friend recently directed me to this post. After having a laugh, I told her I could have come up with 50 reasons before labour even starts. 

So I thought I had better deliver, and here are my 50 reasons, in no particular order. Some of these may be funny – others not so much.
  1. Swollen feet;
  2. Cankles;
  3. Not knowing if your favourite shoes will ever fit again;
  4. Not being able to put your own shoes on;
  5. Not knowing if your favourite jeans will ever fit again;
  6. Being woken in the morning by excruciating leg cramps;
  7. Sinusitis – because who doesn’t love a nose that drips like a tap?
  8. A persistent cough for three months because of sinusitis;
  9. The disgusted looks people give you becauseof the cough because they are afraid you will infect them with your non-infectious sinusitis;
  10. Feet like yesterday you spent all day at a show or fair – even first thing in the morning, and even if you spent the last 24 hours lying down;
  11. Not being able to stand long enough to brush your teeth;
  12. Sore knees;
  13. Round ligament pain – I do so love the feel of a hot knife shoved into my lower abdomen;
  14. Symphisis pubis dysfunction;
  15. Not being able to stand, sit, walk or lie down without being in pain;
  16. Not being able to sleep for more than 1.5 hours at a stretch for 9 months;
  17. Waking up because your hip is numb and needing to completely reconstruct your bed and the dozen pillows you’re sleeping with before being able to roll over;
  18. Waking up because your hip is numb and you need to pee and then needing to reconstruct your bed;
  19. Needing to kick your husband out of bed for 5 months because there’s no room for all of you;
  20. Breathlessness;
  21. Pregnancy-related carpal tunnel syndrome;
  22. Having to strap your wrists every night before bed;
  23. Sexy compression stockings;
  24. Not being able to put your sexy compression stockings on unassisted;
  25. Needing help getting in and out of the shower;
  26. Needing help in and out of your house;
  27. Not being able to cut your own meat;
  28. Not being able to turn a doorknob;
  29. Passing out on the train;
  30. People who sit on you on the train;
  31. Upper back pain;
  32. Lower back pain;
  33. Twice weekly visits with the chiropractor;
  34. People who say ‘But think about the miracle of life you are creating!’ – somebody pass me that half-brick in a sock;
  35. Low blood pressure;
  36. High blood pressure;
  37. Pre-eclampsia;
  38. Deep vein thrombosis;
  39. Constant exhaustion;
  40. All-day sickness – and not being able to take anything for it;
  41. Reflux;
  42. Indigestion;
  43. Excessive fluid retention;
  44. Stretch marks;
  45. Hair – in all the places you never wanted it. Black hair;
  46. Nose bleeds;
  47. Bleeding gums;
  48. Linea negra – that line up the middle of your stomach;
  49. Melasma – or pregnancy mask;
  50. Haemorrhoids.
So there you have it, 50 reasons before you even get to labour. And for anyone wondering, yes I can personally attest to most of those – certainly the worst ones. 

Most women don’t get this big, but see the look on her face? See it? THAT’S pregnancy.

Here’s some bonus childbirth reasons;
  1. Induction;
  2. Having your waters artificially broken;
  3. Syntocinon drips;
  4. Pethidine;
  5. Being told you can’t have an epidural because an anaesthetist isn’t available;
  6. Having your husband sent home after being induced so you can both ‘sleep’ – HA!
  7. Overlapping contractions;
  8. Not progressing;
  9. Ceasarean section;
  10. That first time you get out of bed aftera caesarean section.
If you missed it, check out my post on the mythical origins of werewolves.

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3 Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Woman

I had a rough pregnancy. Some of you know that, and some of you don’t, but unless you’ve ever witnessed a truly horrific pregnancy (or been unfortunate enough to experience it) you don’t really know it. 

I’m not talking about those pregnancies where the unfortunate mother is hospitalised. That is certainly one kind of horrific and I’m not suggesting it isn’t. It’s just not the kind I’m talking about.  

The kind I’m talking about is the lesser known kind. The kind where every minute of every hour of every day of the better part of nine months is sheer misery. Where getting out of bed becomes almost (or not so almost) an impossibility and shuffling down the hall to the toilet an act of torture and you can’t get in and out of the shower without assistance. Where you can’t pick up a glass or read a book or cut your meat because of the damned pregnancy related carpal tunnel in your hands and it doesn’t matter if you sit, stand, walk or lie down, something (or everything) hurts and getting to the end of the day is no relief at all because you can’t bloody sleep, owing to the fact you can’t lie on your back or your stomach and half an hour on one hip is enough for the damn thing to seize up and inflict sweet excruciating agony.

I had a few things said to me by unwise – or, to be blunt, just plain stupid – people. So here is the Idiot’s Guide on what not to say to a pregnant woman. Ever. That’s E-V-E-R. Did you get that?

  • You chose to be pregnant – No, actually, she probably didn’t (even assuming the pregnancy was planned). What she chose was to have children. Unfortunately, getting those children means the woman has to get pregnant. No choice involved. Funnily enough the man’s choice to have children does not involve getting pregnant. Lucky him. If we could choose, we’d definitely choose the man to get pregnant. Hands down, every time. So don’t tell me I had a freaking choice.
  • Think about the miracle of the life you are creating– This really doesn’t make you feel any better. It doesn’t make it any easier to get through the next minute, hour, day and whatever you’ve got left of those nine months. It doesn’t put your hips back together afterwards. You hear women say they’d like to get their figure back after pregnancy. I’d settle for having my back the way it was and not freaking out every time I get a strange twinge in a finger.  Funnily enough, I noticed this comment was only ever made by men. I can’t imagine why!
  • You’ve been pregnant forever – She knows this. Her forever feels a damn sight longer than your forever. She doesn’t need you to tell her.
Any one of the above is liable to get you attacked by the pregnant woman in question. If you’re lucky, you’ll merely be savaged verbally by the hormonal, mood-swinging feral beast she has become. If you’re unlucky, she’ll take your head off with a half-brick in a sock. Whether you’re lucky or unlucky may depend on whether you’re the first or the hundred and first to make that comment to her. Today. 

So tread wisely…