|Most pregnancies don’t look like this…. Or not for very long.|
My friend recently directed me to this post. After having a laugh, I told her I could have come up with 50 reasons before labour even starts.
So I thought I had better deliver, and here are my 50 reasons, in no particular order. Some of these may be funny – others not so much.
- Swollen feet;
- Not knowing if your favourite shoes will ever fit again;
- Not being able to put your own shoes on;
- Not knowing if your favourite jeans will ever fit again;
- Being woken in the morning by excruciating leg cramps;
- Sinusitis – because who doesn’t love a nose that drips like a tap?
- A persistent cough for three months because of sinusitis;
- The disgusted looks people give you becauseof the cough because they are afraid you will infect them with your non-infectious sinusitis;
- Feet like yesterday you spent all day at a show or fair – even first thing in the morning, and even if you spent the last 24 hours lying down;
- Not being able to stand long enough to brush your teeth;
- Sore knees;
- Round ligament pain – I do so love the feel of a hot knife shoved into my lower abdomen;
- Symphisis pubis dysfunction;
- Not being able to stand, sit, walk or lie down without being in pain;
- Not being able to sleep for more than 1.5 hours at a stretch for 9 months;
- Waking up because your hip is numb and needing to completely reconstruct your bed and the dozen pillows you’re sleeping with before being able to roll over;
- Waking up because your hip is numb and you need to pee and then needing to reconstruct your bed;
- Needing to kick your husband out of bed for 5 months because there’s no room for all of you;
- Pregnancy-related carpal tunnel syndrome;
- Having to strap your wrists every night before bed;
- Sexy compression stockings;
- Not being able to put your sexy compression stockings on unassisted;
- Needing help getting in and out of the shower;
- Needing help in and out of your house;
- Not being able to cut your own meat;
- Not being able to turn a doorknob;
- Passing out on the train;
- People who sit on you on the train;
- Upper back pain;
- Lower back pain;
- Twice weekly visits with the chiropractor;
- People who say ‘But think about the miracle of life you are creating!’ – somebody pass me that half-brick in a sock;
- Low blood pressure;
- High blood pressure;
- Deep vein thrombosis;
- Constant exhaustion;
- All-day sickness – and not being able to take anything for it;
- Excessive fluid retention;
- Stretch marks;
- Hair – in all the places you never wanted it. Black hair;
- Nose bleeds;
- Bleeding gums;
- Linea negra – that line up the middle of your stomach;
- Melasma – or pregnancy mask;
So there you have it, 50 reasons before you even get to labour. And for anyone wondering, yes I can personally attest to most of those – certainly the worst ones.
|Most women don’t get this big, but see the look on her face? See it? THAT’S pregnancy.|
Here’s some bonus childbirth reasons;
- Having your waters artificially broken;
- Syntocinon drips;
- Being told you can’t have an epidural because an anaesthetist isn’t available;
- Having your husband sent home after being induced so you can both ‘sleep’ – HA!
- Overlapping contractions;
- Not progressing;
- Ceasarean section;
- That first time you get out of bed aftera caesarean section.
If you missed it, check out my post on the mythical origins of werewolves.
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